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Over the past month a lot of things have changed in my life and although there were some great losses with it, I am beginning to see that it might have been a good thing for me to experience.  In a matter of a week I lost a very special friendship, my job, and my cousin (19) passed away.  At the end of that week, I felt that I was at the lowest point that I have been at in a VERY long time, but it also taught me a lot about myself and how much I can fight back and come out on top.

I am in the process of starting over in many areas but it is turning out to be a good thing in a couple of different ways.  It has made me really step back and take a look at what is important to me, what I thought was important to me (and maybe really isn't) and what really doesn't matter.  I have found a new job and I think I am going to be happy there, but more importantly, for the first time in several years, I have time for those things that are really important to me because of having a different job. 

Over the past couple of years I had spent a great deal of time away from home and although I loved my job, the hours were not always great and the commute took even more time.  I very rarely got to see my loved ones and I am now able to be there for them.  My grandmother has been in poor health for quite awhile and with my new job I now have the time to visit with her, help her with chores around her house, take her to various appointments, and check in on her on my lunch hour, relieving some of the stress off of other members of the family.  Although it is very stressful to care for an ill grandparent and to watch their health progressively get worse, I am very grateful that I am able to be there for her more than a couple of hours every couple of weeks and to be able to spend this time with her (even when she drives me nuts!)  I know that one day, I am going to be glad that I am able to have this time with her and that I am able to be there to help her and care for her. 

Although I very much enjoy TKD and it is a huge part of who I am, I have decided that I am going to take the summer off and wait until fall to find a new school.  I miss working out A LOT, and it has only been a couple of weeks, it is what I need to do for the time.  With starting a different job and the demands of caring for my grandmother I am limited on time in which there are classes availabe at a school in which I can afford.  However, I definitely plan on returning at the end of the summer as it is not something that I am willing to give up long term, but a few months away from a school is something that I think I can manage as long as I continue to work on my forms, kicking, and punching on my heavy bag in my basement a couple of times a week.  It is a sacrifice, but in the end I feel that the time spent with my grandmother is something that I will never regret and I feel that if I were to be spending that time at the dojo instead I would one day regret it.  However, I do intend on staying as active as I can here and on another forum in which I have learned so much and I feel it will help make the next few months without being in a school a little easier to manage.

I guess this is really just a long way of saying that those losses and hurdles we face often are there for a reason and in my case, it was to help me re-evaluate where my priorities were and where they needed to be.  I won't claim to have figured it all out because there are still several things I don't understand (like a 19 year old's life ending tragically) or the loss of a very special friendship, but it does happen for a reason and one day it will all make sense to me.  So, in some ways I am grateful for the lessons learned from a horrible week yet in other ways I continue to grieve.  In the end, it is all about living life and trying to have as few regrets as possible and remembering to do the right thing, even when it seems impossible!

I must say that the past couple of weeks have not exactly been my brightest and most happy weeks.  However, I am working hard at keeping my head up and making the best of a couple of really difficult and emotional situations.

Due to the challenging events of the past couple of weeks, I am learning how quickly life can change, even when you didn't necessarily want any major changes in your life.  For the most part, I felt that things were going rather well and was happy with the majority of the things in my life.  However, God apparently had a different plan for me and I am now being led in a completely different direction!

Without going into any specific details, I must say that I found myself in a position this past week of chosing between allowing the many changes and challenges to get me down and depressed or to really just put my trust in God and believe that there really is a reason for all that has happened.  Unfortunately, I can't say that I have done a great job of not letting it get me down because there have been a great deal of tears shed, but at the same time, I am doing my best to pick myself back up, dust off, and move forward!  I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and it is according to God's greater plan for each of us.  We may not understand it at the time, but one day it will make perfect sense to us.  In this, I am learning that I can move forward in my own direction and continue to have major struggles or I can surrender my life completely to God and follow His lead.  I am learning that I can overcome any obstacle through Christ and that He will always give me the strength I need.

Basically, each of us faces many trials in our lives.  We have a choice in how to handle those and cope.  I am not one to say to never let them get you down, they will.  It is just a matter of how long we allow them to keep us down and what we decide to do about it.  I am chosing to grieve the losses, but not to stay down.  I am chosing to dust myself off and move forward!

I am writing this to say how sorry I am for my behavior last week in my venting.  I did a horrible thing and hurt the one person that I most needed in my corner.  I should never have blogged what I did and should have given a better effort to talking to my coach before writing anything.  I am sorry that I hurt him and I am sorry that I caused so many problems for him due to my venting.  He has shown me nothing but compassion and friendship over the past several months and I repaid him with showing him a lack of respect and immaturity.  I am very sorry.  I do not want and am not looking for sympathy but wanted to make a public profession of my regret and remorse as I was public in my whining. 

I know that last week I spent a lot of time venting and whining about classes and my instructor.  However, I feel that I haven't been completey fair to him.  I have tried to talk to him and although things are not completely worked out, I don't know that it was fair for me to vent here.  He truly is someone that means a lot to me and is a very good friend as well as Coach.  I have a great deal of respect for him and for what he does and trust him, which says a lot!  In fact, he is probably one of the people that I have the most respect for and I feel saddened that I stooped to the level of venting my frustrations with him in a public forum and I am sorry about that.  I am sure that he and I will be able to work out our differences, and even if not, that does not change the way I feel about him.  He is a very good person and I have been blessed by having him as a coach, friend, confidant, and even as a "big brother!"  I am sorry that I vented so much about what was going on last week.

I DID IT!!!  I passed my green belt test tonight after stressing about it all day!  I had a private lesson this afternoon (which I do every Tuesday and Thursday) and he told me that it was up to me when I tested for it and I told him I wanted to do it one night next week because I was still trying to recover from the tournament.  However, he told all of the other students in class last night (I was at work) that he was testing me tonight but he wanted it to be a surprise.  Anyway, I feel really good about the test and just thought I would share with all of my friends here that I passed my green belt test! 

Well, I survived my first tournament.  It was rough!!!!!!!!!!  I ended up getting 3rd in forms and sparring and 2nd in breaking.  However, I made myself go out and compete which is more of an achievement than anything.  The two girls that took 1st and 2nd in sparring both told me that they felt that I out fought them and deserved to have 1st but that wasn't what the judges thought.  Oh well!  As far as forms go, Coach felt that I should have definitely had 2nd but I really don't feel bad about the outcome of my first tournament.  Not sure I am looking forward to another one anytime soon though!!!!

I have one more day to train before my first tournament and I am freaking out!!!!!  I did not have a very good class tonight while running through everything for the tournament.  I had trouble with my breaking and never did get the palm heel strike break, which is incredibly frustrating since I have done it in the past.  Then, after that I messed up my form several times.  I think that I let the boards get in my head and couldn't get past it.  Sparring wasn't too bad, which is a first!  For that, I am grateful!  Anyway, it was good in the sense that I recognized that I absolutely can't let myself get down on myself if I don't do as well as I had hoped.  However, I am also terrified and half of me want to not go compete now.  On the other hand, I am just stubborn enough that I won't allow myself to give up without trying.  I'm just nervous and scared, but I am sure it will all end up okay.

I made a huge mistake this weekend and showed a serious lack of judgement.  I feel horrible about it and had to go to my Coach today and tell him that I had broken the rules.  I am not sure if what I did was more out of frustration or self-defense, but I hit someone that wouldn't quit pinching me and then grabbed ahold of me and wouldn't let go.  I did not hit him hard, just enough to jar him and get him to let go so I could get away from him, but I never should have hit him.  It was not the right thing to do and I feel bad about it, but even worse was knowing that I had to face Coach and tell him what I had done.  I would not have blamed my coach for expelling me, however, he said he was not going to, but I will be on probation and we are going to have a serious conversation about it tomorrow during my private lesson.  Again, I feel horrible about the choice I made and fully deserve the probation.  Just needed to vent my frustration with myself.  Thanks for reading.

I had a very humbling and special conversation with my Coach tonight after class about what is going to happen in the next couple of years.  He knows that the job I currently have as a nanny will end in a little over 2 years when the youngest child reaches school and that I am trying to determine what directions I want to take with my life when that happens.  He has been telling me from my first week of classes that he wants me to stick with TKD until I reach black belt and then to start teaching the kids classes.  However, tonight he asked me if I would be willing to start a program under his school (basically, a new branch) and he would come to where ever I am at a couple of times a month and support me in any way I could.  As I am only an Orange belt (testing in 3 weeks for Green) I feel very honored and humbled that he has so much confidence in my abilities and would trust me with such a huge honor of starting a new branch of his school.  It is still a couple of years off, but WOW, definitely something to start thinking about now! 

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