Sorry I haven't blogged in a while.  Been busy with work and going to the Doc's office for my neck.  I haven't been able to make class like I wish but I need to get there this week.  But last week during deliveries of the newspaper I noticed that I wasn't able to grip a back right and my hand was numb, sort of like falling a sleep but worse.  I've had them before and so I knew it was time to get my neck checked out.

I had my necked cracked in middle school during a freestyle match were the guy put in a full nelson and slamed me forward.  I was lucky there was no perminet damage but it still caused problems. 

I still lose some feeling from time to time but generally it's been a pinched nerve.  Well this time it seems to be worse or at least the doc doesn't know where my nerves are being pinched.  I have some feeling back in my hand and can do stuff but it's like when your foot falls asleep, you can walk but it doesn't feel normal. They offered a courtizone shot, but those hurt when I got them for my knee, no way I'm trusting them around my spine like that.  I'm not sure what is wrong, but at least I'm not lossing feeling in my legs or feet or just falling down.  I hope it's some type of thearpy I can do along with TKD.

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Last night during class, a student in class was doing super high flying kicks. It was great to see him do it but I do admit that I'm a little jealous.  I know that I'm never going to be a high flyer,  With a heavy frame and a bad left knee, super high jumps are not my thing.  But one thing that I did learn about being in Martial Arts is that you adopt things to your strength. 

When I first started TKD, kicks were a struggle (still are at times) but I've learned to get better with them and have a high kicked then when I started.  But I do know that have a lot more power in the upper then most students and I have more knowledge with throws and body locks and some of the students that are great kickers have told me they wished they had some of the power I demostrate.

The assistant instructor demostrated to me how to do a flying punch,  which was intresting to do and i can see where it can be a powerful board break.  He told me that should easly go through 4 boards if not more.  I would like to try once and then do in a demostration. 

My form Tai-gye is coming together and I'm looking forward to know cleaning it up and getting it flow better, I do it really slow and want to have nice smooth as butter. 

I'm glad the weekend is here and I'm going out of town to do some shopping and hang out with friends.  hope everyone enjoys the weather if it's nice where you are, we are suppose to get snow tonight

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Well, I'm starting to feel normal again, the last few weeks have been rough, but I'm bouncing back.  I'm ready for class tomorrow night, I missed last week because of work but I'm back and ready to go.  I need to get my form down and clean for testhing coming up next month or so. 

Since harvest season started for the Midwest, I've been doing the driving to pick and drop of the newspapers for my office.  It's been stressful and changed my routine for TKD class on Tuesday but I've noticed a difference that I've become stronger.  The bags way about 45 lbs or less but I noticed today doing deliveries, i picked uped three bags and carried them to their drop off point(about 50 ft) and it didn't even strain me.  I guess walking the bags and throwing them around has really built up strength fast.

I've been able to find balance lately, I've reconnected with a lot of friends lately with facebook and myspace.  It's been fun getting back in touch.  I've also gone a few dates with some ladies that i was set up with through friends.  It was odd at first but I've gotten use to it.  I have date tonight and I'm looking forward to it, she is nice and nows my story and hasn't pushed anything it's been great to have company for dinner at least. 

I played a "last call" for golf of the other day (mainly because they were serving free steak dinners if you played) and I'll just say that my joints never ached as badly as they did after 2 rounds.  I was sore I had to soak my knee in epson salt to get it feeling good again.  But it was for a free dinner. 

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Yesterbday I woke up and my left knee was stiff as a board, I knew it was going to snow soon and it over night.  But I was able to make class last night and it was fun for the most part.  I'm starting to get my knew form, it's not pretty but as long as I get the movements down, I'm good to clean it up later.  I was doing alright until we did some fall drills, I started to get up from the ground and got to one knee when it locked up on me.  The asst. Instructor helped me up and I stretched it out and felt fine, it was a nerve that got pinched and I was good to go, I tried a few sunset flips or ki-up flips, can't do them like I use too. But during the advance class, we were doing tornado kick drills (not my best kick) and I landed wrong and my left knee buckled, I was told to take it easy and restrecth.  I did but by the end of streching kicking drills were over. 

On Thursday nights, classes generally review one step sparring, my partner and I have been traing with each other since we both started the same day.  He is a rank ahead of me bcause I once pulled myself out of test because I wasn't ready.  We know each other and know how to react which is nice to have some you can train with that knows your reaction times and how you do things and you know their's.  Anyways we were given a challenge of doing our sparring on the opposite side, and I'll say it wasn't pretty. I was able to get some of it down better then my partner but starting with a left handed punch with out a kick or something before it wasn't feeling right (no pun intended) in my mind. 

In the advance class, we did four-side self defense.  This can be fun and funny to watch to see how people react.  One of the new adult brown belts gets a little to excited during point sparring and SD and scares some of the other adutls.  The instructors always tells everyone to relax, I've gotten better with training and so does everyone but when some people get an adriline rush it's hard to control.  I'm usually in back because I can lock a bear hug or head lock on anyone.  Anyways she turned and threw a punch and made contact with it.  It didn't hurt, I was somewhat prepared and she pulled some of it back.  I wasn't upset or anything, I've landed elbow strikes before into the ribs.  Then one of the students that is tall and has reach thoought he had me in a bear hug from behind but is hands wer so high up that I turned and almost did a chest to chest suplex but stoped.  I also did a hip toss on him.  the asst. instructor reminded him that I have a different background for some attacks and have tricks that most don't know how to throw in our school. 

Well, wrestling season is starting upon us shortly and I'll be starting with the coaching soon.  I have been working on rebreaking my wrestling shoes since I haven't worn them regularly.  I just hope I don't embarass myself.

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Last night, it was a nice down poor outside,  I've been doing some walking and then forms in the park near my appartment and lastnight, duing the middle of my walk it started raining.  I knew that it was coming so I already had on my rain suit that I use for golf, in someways it's pefect for MA in the rain as well, it's desgined to allow the body to move with jepordizing the swing and it flows with the body.  Back to the topic on hand, it was nice to wokr out in the rain, it kind of washed things out my mind for a little bit at least, a kind of purifying the soul type of thing, I felt good after the workout. 

I can't believe how much I'm struggling with Toi-gye, I've only had one class, but I'm usually able to pick things up well and if I struggle on my own, a book usually helps jog the memory. But I think with so much different technique and the uniqueness of the pattern is throwing me off, the w blocks and turning the wrist part keeps triping me up.  Tonight I have class and I'm hoping to be able to pull a side my instructor or asst. instructor to help me through the form.

The sad part about classes on Thursday nights is that they are not sparring classes which I do enjoy.  We do SD and step sparring but it's different then good old fashion point sparring.  But a nice part is that traditionally Thursdays are smaller classes, not sure why, which allows for more focus attention.   It might snow tonight before I get home so that will make traveling a lot more  of  a challenge but it will be  fine, I've done it before.  I know that if the weather is too bad my instuctor understands that I can't make it and some time she'll even call to tell it's really bad at the school (some times it's not where I live) and that not to risk it.  It Is the bomb but she nor I want to have to worry about an accident during my travels.

I don't know about you all but I'm glad the American Election season is now over and on the books, I hope that now we can focus on letting the economy heal itself and get things productive again. 

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I've been struggling lately on being able to focus on anything.  I get by but not as well as I should.  This past weekend I traveled down to Omaha to visit a Buddhist Temple that I visited while in college (I'm not a buddhist just have friends there).  SOme friends of mine had heard what had happened and wanted to me to come visit and do some meditation.  It was great to escape my problems for a few hours.  I then met with a friend who was going through similar issues and we held each other and  cried, which was good to get out of my system. But I still struggle with sleeping, my insomina has going into overdrive and I haven't slept in at least 30 hrs, I'm fine for now but I need to get my mind to slow down.

But now I'm to a point that I feel like I need to focus on my life again.  I need to get moving and keep myself busy. I am starting a complete meditation routine for every night and morning, I still struggle with my emotions at the moment, it's wierd going from laughing my head off to busting into tears for no reason.  I need to keep my emotions undercontrl  I'm a person that can wear my heart on my sleave and it can get dangerous if I get angery (wow that shoulds like the Hulk).  I've slumped off on eath healthy,  instead going on the pigging out of any thing that sounded good, including pop.  I need to control what I eat so that I hopefully get a better night's sleep.  Finally I'm going to throw myself completely into my TKD training. I'm creating new weight lifght regimes and cardo regimes to start using. 

I figure I need to make something of myself,  I need something that will help me get through everything.  I have a feeling that it's going to get worse before it get's better.  As was said in the Dark Knight, "The night is always darkest before the sunrise."  I've been down in dark and it will get worse but I'm ready for it, in the words of the Rock "Just Bring IT"

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Last night was a challenging night for me personally. I went to class and learned my new form toi-gye(spelling not sure)  It's a challenging form and will take some time to clean up but it's going to be fun.  During the first class, a student needed to make up a test so I was asked to lead the class and was told to do what ever I wanted.  That's kind of scary to person who is usually told what to go over.  I stumpled a little with wrong terms and messed up counting (i'm a writer not an accountant).  But I think I'm sort of getting the hang of it.  I'm looking forward to getting a chance to try it more and learn how to be a better teacher.  During the second class (advance brown and black) she had us break down a one-step sparring technique.  It was intersting because our peers where watching and where told to ask questions.  It was a fun experiment. 

However the end of the night was tough because I met up with my ex-fiancee and we returned items back to each other.  It was hard because for once I didn't know what to say.  I talked with my instructor about everything lettering her know why I might be looking like I'm down and sad.  She told me to "be strong" and i was even though I wanted the ground to swallow me up. 

I still don't know where I'm going or what I'll do.  RIght now I'm planning on at least staying at my current job till the end of the year and then I'll figure out what I'm going do.  I want to stay in the area and complete my training to at least first dan, then maybe look at going back to school for culinary art training but I'm not sure yet.  I'm just trying to get my head on straight. 

I do know that I need buckle down and refocus,  I've kind of let things go and I need to straighten up.  I need to get back on a healthy and regular eating routine, I also need to start more training on the side.

My instructor asked if I would be willing to lead class on weekends she isn't there,  I told her after this weekend(which I need to spend some time to myself to clear my head and get out of town for a bit) I would be willing to help when I'm busy with work.  I was also told that it's cool that I crash at the dojang on nights before test or needing a place to sleep since I have a key. It's great that I'm to through myself into TKD, I would golf but the season is pretty much over.

Thanks to everyone who has sent encourging words.

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For the last couple of days I've been view life as journey.  I was on the bus to the chapel when thrown out head first.  I'm still healing (which is going to take time)  but I'm at a curious fork in the road. One is that I go and move away from where I am and start over new, I'm free to be able to move any where I want too but where go and what to do.  If I head down this road I think getting out of journalism would be part of it but also there would be a hult on training at my school.  I want to become at least a first dan before relocating.  The other fork is that I stay were I'm going and mabye change jobs and relocate some place that is still within an hour drive of my school until I've completed my black belt examine at least (maybe longer).

It's a hard choice because TKD has been there for me since I first stepped into the dojang.  No matter if I was happy or sad, sunshines or rain, TKD is has been a constent.  I've come to a point in my life were TKD is very important to me and I would much rather being doing that then anything else.  It never mattered how much pain I was in or what was going through my mind.  I am able to escape the real world with going through forms. 

I have class tonight,  I'm going to sit down with my instructor and let her know what is going on.  I feel bad for letting her know about my issues but she has been open with me and I think that I owe her that.  I don't want to burdden with her wondering if I'll be ok or not.  I'll be fine but it's a matter of time to let things go. I am looking forward to learning my new form tonight as well.  Usually new forms are taught the following Tuesday after test, but due to my job and not being able to come on Tuesdays at the moment so I get to learn my tonight. hopefully either the assistant or head instructor can make class a little early and allow me to start learning my form  early. 

After class is going to be the hard part, I'm meeting with my fiancee (I guess she's really not my fiancee anymore just don't know what to call her besides her name( to return her items she left at my place.  Then after that I have an hour drive home, I'm packing a lot of cds so that I can blast my faviorte tunes so that I can keep my mind off of things till I get home.  I couple of friends of mine that live in the area and they want to stop by their place before heading home, I'll propably do it just won't stay too long. 

I always liked the idea that any jouney starts with the first step, usually I believe that the first step is always the easiest and it will get harder down the road.  This time however, I find myself trying to take my first step and confused because I'm still lying face down in the dirt.  I'm greatful for the friends that have helped pick me up, dust off some the dirt and stand by myside waiting for me to choose which way to go. 

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The past few nights have been really hard, not really sleeping and not being able to get get out work.  I was(still sort of am) a wreck from the weekend.  I don't know if she will talk to me again but I'm not ready to right now.

I left work early today after getting the paper out, I just needed out to clear my head.  I text my best friend and who was slated to be my best man.  He and I were college roommates and just knew each other in and out. Due to him being a CPA and me a reporter getting together to hang out was always a challenge.  I was suprised when I didn't get a message from him just asking how I was doing. About 2 1/2 hours later there was a knock on my door and there he was grinning holding up two pizzas and a case of rootbeer (I don't drink  alcohol when I'm depressed for several personal reasons). 

The funny thing was he didn't talk about her or ask about my feelings.  He just through his normal insult greeting barged in and  flipped on the TV.  We quickly started byinng Madden (I am lousey at that game and he rocks). We just chilled and relaxed, we caught up on each other's jobs, I found out that he to be in Lincolon NE so he stopped on his way down. I asked why he stopped and all he said was, "you would have done it for me."

Allowed me to know that there people who will always be there for me and that it's ok to enjoy life even when it seems dark and lonely. I'm not over everything and I still have a lot to deal with but it does seem a little less lonely.

Thank you to everyone who reached out too me. Even though we may not know each other in the physical releam,  it was nice to see people reach out and help lift the spirits of others.  Even though I think my life stinks right now, I know there are people out there that have it worse then I.  But also it does help keep hope alive to see people help out strangers even when dealing with personal matters.

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